Bittersweet

David has returned from St. Andrew's Scotland full of stories, many of which he wrote and shared with us. Tony was down in the dumps since he has done nothing but move furniture for the past three days. The sweet of the bittersweet is the boys are back under our roof again and dinner was around our new table.

The bitter is Sunday. We will climb in the car and head to Charleston to spread the last of Joe's ashes. Many of his friends will be there and we will spread them, per Joe's request, at dawn at the Battery. Once again these McCallie Men have stepped up to the plate and given of themselves even when it was not convenient. That is the sweet of bittersweet.

So I will cook Joe's favorite meal Sunday night, which happens to be spaghetti, at Josh's house. And we will remember Joe.

The Little Gestures

Today we spent most of our day "changing things up" in our home to make us feel more comfortable, or maybe it is a way to take our away our pain. But never-the-less it was a day of moving furniture and, in the back of our minds, a day of making sure David arrives home safely from Scotland. We were exhausted from moving furniture up and down three flights of stairs.

And then the gesture of kindness came across in an email. A neighbor had left over food from a party they had the night before and extended an invitation for dinner. Tony was off to a movie with his friends and we had no energy to cook. So the invitation was a life saver.

Those kind and, yes, even random gestures are so welcomed and appreciated.

The Difficult Ways to Give Back

Today I sat on a panel of parents talking to nurses and social workers at Levine Children's Hospital to discuss transitions, mostly meaning from doctor's offices to the hospital, or from unit to unit within the hospital, or from surgery to the floor. We each had to tell our story with positive and negative experiences. I sat on a panel with two other mothers, their stories were ones of recovery, mine was not. My story was about a death after so many recurrences of cancer. I felt the overwhelming jealousy of how fortunate they were to have their child survive. I asked, why was I here?

Eventually I knew my position, I knew my purpose. I was the voice of teenage cancer patients. I was their advocate and could speak from experience. I had the perfect platform to make a difference. My voice stated meek and crackling but soon sounded strong as I felt the passion of wanting to give back. As difficult as it was it was perfect.

Decisions and What We Do

This weekend was all about decisions. After emptying the storage unit we had a late dinner with Tony and moved into a conversation of what has influenced our decisions during our lives. Mike I talked about our choice of college, moving for jobs, buying and selling homes. Tony talked about his search for a boarding school, how he was set on a school in the Northeast, but stepped back with the news of Joe not responding to his chemotherapy. He paused, and thought if I have a chance to go to McCallie and be with my brother I will.

So I don't know how we have been so fortunate to have three sons, who understood the meaning of making a decision, without talking, but knowing this is what you do to be there to support each other.

I am sure with other circumstances decisions would be different. You never know. But this is how is worked for our family, and we have felt the incredible strong support from every one that has crossed our path. Yes, decisions made in the moment can be powerful. As were Tony and David's.

His Buttons Would Be Bursting

There is nothing like a big brother. One that is so proud of his younger brothers, who took the time and energy to make sure they got it right, whether it be their academics or their sport, or maybe just living in the world. That was Joe from the time Tony and David were born. He took them under his wing and nurtured them with humor and loving care. Yes, there is nothing like a big bother.

And now we are on the road to college for the twins. One will most likely find a college that has the perfect curriculum and a place to dive, the other may attend a college overseas, pursuing his love for writing. Both will follow their passions and find their place. And the combination of us being willing to let them go, and with the past guidance of Joe,Tony and David will find their way with a comfortable feeling to achieve accomplishments way beyond their dreams. This is a wonderful, exciting time for Tony and David and Joe's buttons would be bursting with pride.

And So It Goes

The days run together, we adjust and re-arrange, moving this thing here and another thing there, but always coming back full circle to what is bothering us most, the loss of Joe.

I think the hardest part of a loss is sifting through their belongings. In Joe's case many of the possessions are from his childhood and adolescent years, most certainly there are not collections from his adulthood. But still they were his, and meant so much to him over the years. As much as we want to keep everything we are faced with the daunting task of what to hold on to and what to let go. And as we go through his clothes, his gifts from graduation, his notes from every class he attended and his books, oh yes his precious books with notes written in the margins of the pages and important quotes underlined, forces us to discuss every item in low quiet voices. Then we find something hidden in a box and a story may start with the clay turtle he made in sixth grade which then progresses to the pottery class he took at McCallie.

It becomes a time of laughter and tears and the joy of remembrance. A continuing celebration of Joe with us being on the exclusive invite list.

Paper work

Oh the drudgery of it all makes my stomach turn. A simple task of changing insurance companies becomes a monumental feat of defying the odds of faxes disappearing into black holes. You keep your fingers crossed that so-in-so with the perky voice will actually receive the information. But then there are the multiple phone numbers to call, every one to a different person with a specific responsibility. What ever in the world happened to one phone call, one piece of correspondence and an hour later your done.

So after sifting through all the calls, and I am holding my breath they received my fax, it will be worth it since I am saving a bundle with my new insurance company.

The Adventures of Tony

I am not sure if many of you know that Tony was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes four weeks before Joe was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. On the same day Tony received his insulin pump Joe had his chemo port inserted. It was a wild time for us and our introduction to Carolina Medical Center, which at the onset we had no idea this would be our home away from home.

So with that background, we fast forward to this evening when I received a call from Tony that his site had "popped" out during dive practice. Not a big deal at McCallie since he is just a few steps away from his dorm and a new site. But this time he was several miles way, but he drove slowly, we kept in touch by phone and his sites and insulin were on the kitchen counter when he arrived, along with a large glass of water. Food was ready and prepared and in a short time he was normal. He was home safe.

What to do with this....

Thirty-three years is a long time together, but it seems even longer when you realize how much you have accumulated. We have a house and a storage unit full of possessions. Some are very special, but there are other items we have no idea why we kept them. So today our one and only goal was to sift through items in storage. What we thought would take a mere two hours turned into a long day of memories and so often "what were we thinking when we purchased that". I won't embarrass myself by detailing those items.

But I will tell you that most of what we uncovered were boxes and boxes of photographs. Now those were worth saving.

Free Falling

I am without a parachute, free falling and screaming into a dark abyss, awakening in a sweat that chills me to the bone. It is a crash day, a recurring cruel joke played on me. I awake in the morning ready to go, then there is the cold smack to my face reminding me of what has passed, what is gone, what will never be again. I am frozen and then it starts: my heart racing, the pain in my shoulders as they take the familiar tight position and color drains from the world, leaving me in the coldness of black and white. I breathe (I have been told that helps) or I cry, and sometimes I do both. So I move forward, with my broken heart and a heaviness in my gait.

Did We Do Right

Boys don't talk much. They show emotions in different ways, mostly a quiet way. Saying something quickly, or writing a note to be found later long after they are gone, and I have yet to encounter lengthy emotional conversations. Well, at least with my sons.

But today I was given the incredible gift of a peek inside of what is like to lose a brother, a dearly loved brother, in a most unusual form: a college essay. From the first sentence to the closing paragraph I relived these past years, not from a prospective as a mom, but one of a brother. Tony and David grew up in warp speed over these past five years. I don't have to ask the question if they are different now than nearly five years ago; I see it in their eyes, their conversations skirting around our collective hurt and loss, and the polite smiles on their faces.

I have asked myself repeatedly was it right for us to bring Tony and David into every twist and turn with Joe? Some days I stand firm with our decision, and other days I waiver. But what I do know, without question, is I felt every painful memory along with Joe's brother.

Traveling

This goes back a bit to when David and I started out to Athens, Greece. We sat in airports, thanks to free tickets, for over 13 hours. I eventually resorted to people watching out of shear boredom. Yes, the outfits both male and female, changed drastically from Charlotte to New York to Heathrow to Athens. Just a word of advice...ditch the car, find a bike or walk because everything skinny will be hitting our shores very soon.

But even though the fashion scene was entertaining what was not entertaining was witnessing "cell phone" relationships. I know this sounds funny but I actually saw people caress their phones, holding on to them for dear life. I saw one person look at her phone when the ticket agent asked her a question, as if the small black screen would give her the answer. Then there are the glancers, you know the ones who look every several seconds for the text, tweet, facebook post or email. Then I panicked. I was holding my phone in my hand as if it held all the answers to my questions. I slipped into my backpack since I don't want to hug a phone. I want to hug my family.

Jolted Back to Reality

First off it is a very bad idea to schedule a dentist appointment the day after you return from a great trip. That one event started the ball rolling and my jolt back to reality. Ironically just because you are out of the country doesn't give a free pass on bills, laundry, work or grocery shopping. I lived in a cocoon for nearly three weeks and forgot the drudgery of it all. OK, I admit I was in heaven.

So these past days I have pushed my reluctant butt through my chores with one astonishing realization. How can I have this much laundry since we each traveled with small backpacks and wore the same thing practically every day? So my laundry cloning theory is no longer a theory! It happens quietly in the dead of night in the dark corners of the dirty clothes basket. And the evil sock stealer is not in our imaginations and has made permanent residence in the dryer.

Home Again

I signed out on June 16th and 20 days later I am home again, feeling the comfort of my bed and the familiar surroundings of home. This journey is hard to explain since we were retracing Joe's trip. Emotions ran from total elation to tears, and when we were lost trying to find places Joe had been I always felt a gentle nudge on my shoulder pushing us in the right direction.

Between Joe's journal entries and a backpack full of receipts our itinerary was set and easy to follow. We brought home nothing more than hundreds of pictures and incredible memories, hopefully the combination will bring us closer to healing.