Clutter

There is clutter in my life. In my house filling every room.  I feel the need to clean out.  But every time I reach for a shirt of Joe's, or a sketch of David's or Tony's chemistry notes I am afraid of losing the past. And I know that if anything is not tossed out without approval I am throwing away the past.

We as a family tend to take hold and keep things down to every scrap of paper to remember our lives.  I wonder is it time to give up Joe's clothes?  Tony and I cleaned out his notebooks from Freshman year at McCallie to the first year at Penn.  It was painful to open the notebooks and see his precise hand writing.  I wanted to keep it, but it was time to let go.

I think of what was important to him in the end.  His wallet, a pen knife handed down to him from a Grandfather he never met, his Campbell Award, the coins Mike brought back from the Far East, Jonny's Air Force Wings and his Saint Christopher's Medal.  All could be held in the palm of your hand.

Yes, it is time to relieve the clutter in my life.  But I am afraid by losing the clutter I will lose what my family was.

FINANCIAL HEADACHES!!!

There I was today working through the renewal of our Charitable Solicitation and the headaches of filling out Government forms took over my life.  Eight hours later I was still reading the instructions.  Several calls to the Secretary of State Office in North Carolina I received the same answers "read our step by step instruction sheet" and you should have no problem. Here's the problem is there are required questions and then there are optional but strongly suggested questions, so should I leave out the strongly suggested answers.  Will I be denied for leaving them out?  And all of it numbers...not my strong suit.  Digging through receipts, bank statements and spread sheets I finally gave up and had a manicure.  It will still be on my desk in the morning and the Secretary of the State office will be open all day.  And I will preserver, I will  conquer the Charitable Solicitation Form.

Or I will call my accountant.

Susan

There was Susan at our front porch, impeccably dressed, with the up most dignity and grace.  And she had just admitted her husband of forty-two years to an Alzheimer's facility just two days ago.   She said I lost him when he had cancer and I have lost him again two days ago.

I know what that means.  There are stages of losing those you love.  We went through it with Joe.  We lost him when he was diagnosed, we lost him again when he did not respond to treatment and the last loss was when surgery was not an option.

Susan has lost a life she knew, a husband she adored but has the blessing  that her children surround her with love and help every day. I keep Susan in my thoughts every day and this family that is enduring the loss of a family member.

Boston

My heart, my thoughts and my prayers went out to every victim at the Boston Marathon.  I remember a friend of ours ran the Boston Marathon in memory of Joe. The Boston Marathon attracts elite athletes but it is always about the "plodders" that come in at the four hour mark with families waiting to cheer them on.

Today I keep a family in my thoughts and prayers that have been affected by the bombings.  Michael and Nicole are young with many years ahead of them.  And with one swift moment their lives have changed.  Michael has been discharged, Nicole is facing more surgeries.

And today I think of them and wish the best outcome.  

One Week after Easter

This is one of the hardest religious holidays for me.  I still to this day can not attend church on Easter.  I think about the promise and hope of a new beginning and quite frankly all I can see is the incredible pain my family has endured. I think about Tony and David continuing on with their lives without Joe. I think of his friends, aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents moving on after his death.  I think about Joedance and what it means to so many as we continue to remember him.

On this Sunday after Easter I remember my son, so smart and with such a quick wit, taught us to live for today.  Who taught us the power of forgiveness.  Who taught us how to say "I am scared but with you at my side I will be brave."

Who taught us to say "I love you and miss you" to those who are important.