While standing by the Compass on Locust Walk at UPenn with old friends from McCallie and new ones he had met in college, I forced myself to focus on the conversation. But memories of my visit with Joe would take over. I would carefully lower my eyes to hold the tears in check, take a breath and summon my faithful cover of quick comments followed by a boisterous laugh.
But these were stubborn memories. Three years ago I stood by the Compass while Joe eyed the very fraternity he would eventually decide to pledge, the hotel where we stayed was looming in the background and the choice for dinner was where we had lunch. The painful irony of it all.
Repeating "be in the moment, you are here with Tony and David, that visit is in the past" was futile. And it didn't help to randomly encounter other McCallie men while walking on campus. My strength was being tested to the limits, I was unraveling and fearing a total melt down. Not something I wanted to do in the middle of Locust Walk surrounded by his friends. I could hear random comments, snippets of laughter as I toiled to take command of my runaway feelings.
My last ditch effort was to lock my gaze on Tony and David before scanning the faces of his friends. Remembering is good, but not to the point of ignoring this incredible moment of Joe's friends offering us their love and support just by being present. Memories and "being in the moment", however delicate the balance, each deserve their own time.
Diane,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you were able to see Hurst or not when you were at Penn, but I hope he had a chance to say "hi". That had to be a very difficult visit for you. I didn't know that Davis and Tony were interested in Penn, but it makes sense since that was where their brother matriculated.
I still remember the dinner we all had together with you all, the Greens, the Mildenbergs and all the boys at the Italian restaurant downtown during move-in and freshman orientation.
I hope that you and Mike are able to continue to move forward without Joe, having his warm memories to comfort you.
Thinking of you all often.
Alfred
Your heart....an amazing fulcrum.
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