This is a tough combination. Just when Joe was feeling his independence his cancer made him totally dependent. For almost a year he could not drive, he was house bound, bald, bloated, nauseous and in constant pain. His pulled his baseball cap as low as possible on his face in hopes to shield the lingering stares of strangers. When he returned to school he was still bald and walking with a cane, not an easy situation to deal with at an age when your appearance is so important.
Anger seeped into every part of his life, and with his first recurrence it took hold of him knowing again he had to endure more pain and isolation. I understood why he negotiated rounds of chemotherapy, waited as long as possible to do the next surgery and asked for adjustments in his protocol to attend an important event. He participated in a clinical study but at the first opportunity withdrew. The treatments were just to taxing on his body.
Joe faced more decisions far beyond his treatments. His thoughts were about how do I spend my time, who do I spend my time with and what really matters to me. In the end he faced his mortality, which made the fertility quandary look like a walk in the park.
Like every teenager with cancer Joe made these decisions at warp speed. Unfortunately is it part of the deal, time is not a luxury during adolescent growth spurts. Entire families become passengers on a high speed runaway train. For some it slows to a manageable speed called remission. In Joe's case it crashed leaving our family to pick up the pieces.
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