Heading Out

Our bags are packed and we are getting out of Dodge! Next stop is Athens, Greece to visit friends, pick up Tony and move on to Venice. I will blog when possible, but you all know this will be the trip of our lives. Twenty days in Europe with back packs and hostels!

When The Tables Turn

I was wondering months back if there would ever be a way for me to pay it forward. Would there ever be a chance for me to be a "MaryKay" to another family? Would I have the opportunity to hold their hand and receive their phone calls with complete understanding of the overwhelming fear they are feeling?

Sunday opened the door of opportunity and I seized it knowing full well this family, whose son was just diagnosed with cancer was adrift, without oars, in an ocean without any sight of land. I grounded myself, just as my friend did for me, listening to this mother's fears, offering advice and shedding tears with her.

I don't like being part of this club of knowing about chemotherapy, of percentages for survival or of keeping a "drug log". But I am, so the best I can do is help another family navigate these treacherous waters.

On the Edge of My Seat

It was a flurry of last minute details but Tony successfully navigated security with his pump, sites, needles and insulin to board his plane for Italy and Greece. David spent the weekend in Goldsboro celebrating his roommate's birthday and will return Sunday. Mike and I are tying up all the loose ends before leaving for Athens where we will meet up with Tony.

And then our trip will begin. After months of talking and planning we are finally going. I have a bit of Joe's ashes that I will toss over my shoulder in his favorite places and his picture in my locket. Joe will be with us every step of the way.

Taking Me to My Knees

Maybe it is a song, seeing a book in a young child's hand, a sound of a familiar response to a question; the sum adds up to a moment that takes you to your knees. You try to recover, but in your exhaustion of always being sad the coping skills are less than sharp.

So you start down a slippery slope, with one thought leading to another until you feel as though you are facing a daunting wall of second guessing, the fear of "could be's and what if's". The loneliness of wandering through uncharted, and certainly not requested, waters. It comes down to the shear strength of fighting back tears and trying to focus on the task at hand.

And when we feel like we will not recover, can't move another step forward, somehow we remember the best times of our family. The laughter, the jokes, the funny cards, the hugs and our love for each other. Yes, that is what brings us back to life every time.

The Girls

Do you ever have a night where the weather is perfect, the moon is out and stars are shining brightly in the sky? The dress is perfect, your skin is glowing and your hair is better than it was on Monday; this must mean "girls night out". A time we leave our worries behind of sweating through grades, learning how to adjust to new children and grandchildren, dealing with creative accounting, illnesses; and in my case a death.

Donning our best manners we dined on sushi and wine before attending the play "Girls Only". And we laughed, I mean really laughed, as they poked fun of growing up and growing old. I laughed more in an hour and half than I have in the past four years. Have to say it felt good.

Another Goodbye

Once more we spread Joe's ashes in a place that is dear to our family and a place we spent summers since we moved to Charlotte; Holden Beach.

Arriving at the point of Holden Beach we were met with a beautiful Carolina blue sky and a wind blowing straight into our faces. We toasted Joe with Jameson followed by a chaser of Guinness and celebrated the wonderful memories we had shared on this spit of sand called Holden Beach. So we rolled up our pants, and me hiking up my skirt, waded into the surf, bending close to the water as we gently placed his ashes into the ocean. We sat on our blanket and watched the waves carry my son out to sea, a place he always found peace and happiness. I hugged my dad, my mom, both who had tears in their eyes, my boys and Mike.

It was time to go and we did. As we left I asked Tony and David to pick up shells. All three of the boys did this whenever we went to the beach in the past. In the typical teenage way they searched, discussed, discarded and decided on the best five shells. These are shells I will treasure forever.

Friends

I attended a McCallie Alumni and Parent luncheon Wednesday, and a new graduate talked about what McCallie meant to him. The one idea that stuck with me was the friendships he developed over the past four years. I remember and know now how important those friendships are for the boarding community.

All through Joe's treatments in Charlotte there were times that tugged at my heart, broke my heart and shed tears from my heart on our front porch. Joe's teachers, his swim coach and boys in his class went out of their way, sometimes many miles out of their way, to stop at our home for a visit. And Joe in his courageous manner would always step up, pushing aside his exhaustion and pain.

There was never a more gracious outpouring of love and devotion demonstrated by Joe's friends than at his services in Charlotte and at McCallie. They, without question, put aside what was important for them to support our family, but it did not stop at Joe's funeral.

On Mother's Day I received a call from a close friend of Joe's, I receive text messages from his friends, and this past week I had dinner with one of Joe's friends from McCallie in Charleston. It is always a connection to my son who is gone, a time to talk about Tony and David and an opportunity to catch up with the guys who were a part of Joe's life.

There are many binding friendships at McCallie. One is classmates, another is faculty and students, but for the parents it is our sons and their friends.

Let Summer Begin

The boys are home, after a safe drive from Chattanooga and filling our extra room on the lower level with their belongings, along with some of their roommates clothes left behind. Tonight our table was transformed from us having a quick bite to a two hour round table of constant conversation.

For a moment I felt that hollow place in my heart be filled with joy and hope for Tony and David's futures, reminiscent of the times Joe would return full of stories of the school year and what was to come.

Having always loving to hear Joe, Tony and David's chatter at dinner, tonight I was lulled into a comforting place being surrounded by that sound once again.