Joe's Walk

Six hours driving to McCallie with little conversation you could feel the tension in our car. We were returning to Chattanooga for Joe's Walk without Tony and David. Another first in our journey since Joe has passed away. Joe's friends were coming in from all different directions and those who could not make the walk were texting us wishing they could be there. Tony called in the middle of the afternoon to check up on us and the walk. David emailed setting a Skype time for Sunday. They both felt the importance of this date.

Driving on the campus memories filled my head with Joe's first visit, Honors Scholars weekends, moving him in his dorm and three years later doing the same for Tony and David. Stepping on to this campus for the first time since Tony and David graduated was a bit overwhelming especially when the chapel came into focus and then when we gently laid rosemary in the gardens in front of Caldwell Hall where we spread his ashes.

We arrived to the start of the walk and were embraced by faculty wanting to now how the boys were, how we were and conversations were seamless as if we had never left. It was comfortable as they all opened their arms to welcome us back. Joe's friends walked the "no walk" he had set up six years ago before going on to the Odle's who graciously opened their home giving us a platform to remember.

Joe was a boy with so few years shared by all but has lived on in the hearts, tears and love by many. And thank you to those at McCallie for your devotion to keep my son's memory alive through all of your efforts and hard work supporting Joe's Walk.

Another Loss

Joe was eighteen and Joey was four. But they connected on the 11th floor of Levine Children's Hospital and Joey was the only patient he would visit. They shared the same name, Joseph Michael. They shared rare pediatric cancers. They knew their fate long before others were let in on the secret. They lived their lives as if it would go on forever. They gave us hope and a blueprint to live our lives. They were survivors even though they did not survive.

But I know, as Joey's family is feeling today, if there could be one more hug, one more conversation and one more special time with their son it would be cherished.

The Great Weekend

Our weekend started with a drive to Cleveland, Ohio to watch Tony dive in his first conference championship but it turned out to be much more than that. It was my mom and dad climbing in the car for the long drive and many hours in the bleachers to watch their grandson. It was David thousands miles away requesting "keep me in the loop". It was a high school dive coach wanting to know everything. It was Tony living his dream of diving in college.

At the same time in Chattanooga, TN McCallie awarded the second Joe Restaino Scholarship. Appropriately passed on to another Honor Scholar David Paul who will travel to Beijing this summer offering a glimpse into another world and someday he will make a difference because of this opportunity.

Diving, scholarships, my elderly parents making the effort was all wonderful. The best was David's support for Tony. He was so far away but still so close. And my wish for these brothers is their love and support for each other will continue for many years.

Knit One Purl Two

I have not done any knitting since Joe was in treatment. And when he was I was a knitting machine using it as a mindless outlet. So many of you have my by product of doing something while I could not do anything.

But recently Tony requested a knitted scarf to keep him warm in Chicago. I agreed and set off to knit a long warm cashmere merino wool scarf for him. I thought it would take a week or two but it has stretched in to three months. I would knit and then remember this or that and time would pass without a stitch. I was re-knitting the scarf for Tony that I did for Joe as a freshman at McCallie and every other row I would remember something. I would capture an image, a photograph of the boys, a conversation, a giggle here or there and their love for each other.

Every scarf I knit for friends and family as a "thank you" for your support was easy. This scarf was a labor of love combined with many beautiful memories.

Chapter One

I have been Joe's Mom, and Tony and David's, since their birth. It is a label I both cherish and at times wanted to run the opposite direction from depending on their behavior.

But for the last four months of Joe's life I held the title of Joe's Mom. It was the signature at the end of the daily blog on Caring Bridge to update our friends and family. I held the title proudly and I hope with grace since for many it was the only news about Joe and our family.

Joe left so many things behind to guide us through our grief and the most precious were his private conversations with us. Here and there we have dropped a line or two but mostly we have held them to ourselves. Reading his emails, journals and his Caring Bridge postings I experienced a boy full of hope drop to bitter anger then to sadness. I will never forget this particular line: "Everything is done and now all I have to do is spend time with my family, which is what I love to do the most."

So it's a start, rough and painful, but still a start and someday it will be a book.