Resolutions

With the New Year approaching we tend to flip through the rolodex of familiar resolutions: lose weight, exercise more, give up the smokes, drink less and make more time for family and friends. All are well intended and some are even achieved by those who are committed to their resolutions.

This year I have a very different list. I want to laugh more and cry less. I want frequent memories of Joe from the months before instead of his last month. I want to lessen the gripping fear of losing Tony and David. Plan for the next phase of my life with Mike as we edge closer every year to retirement. Try to move forward, accept what our family has become while never forgetting those we have lost and the impacts they made. Make a "bucket list" and start checking it off.

These are not traditional resolutions. Some will be easier than others and I hope this list will guide me through a more peaceful new year. My wish is the same to our family and friends

If it Christmas Eve...

...then the Restaino's are trimming the tree. It is a long standing tradition dating back our first Christmas together in Des Moines, Iowa. Both working long hours the only time we had to buy our tree was Christmas Eve. Lacking ornaments and lights we tied ribbons on the scrawny branches. The tree was so short and tiny we towered over it as if we were giants. Even so, we stood back commenting on how beautiful it was.

Thirty-four years later we carry on the tradition. The tree is bigger and is covered with Joe, Tony and David's ornaments collected over the past twenty-two years. But the ribbons are still tied on every Christmas Eve and the tree stands proudly without lights. This is my most favorite of our family's traditions.

So on this Christmas I wish each one of you peace and a holiday full of family traditions.

Twenty-Two

Joe would have been twenty-two today. I still remember the day he was born. It was a record cold day in Dallas, Texas. Ironically the day he passed away was a record cold day in Charlotte, North Carolina. Funny how those are some of the thoughts that come to mind along with how much joy he brought to our lives.

I have often wondered if he would be applying for the PhD/MD program at Penn as he had planned or had taken another direction. Whatever his decision I know he would have been successful. He was just that kind of person.

So sweetie, Happy Birthday and in your memory we will celebrate together doing dinner and a movie.

We love you lots and miss you tons.

The Boys Are Home

You forget after months of eating dinner in the company of two how abbreviated that time becomes. It is not like when the boys are home when past dinner's would last an hour or more. Refreshing best describes dinner last night sitting around the table with my parents and the boys catching up on the last four months. What fun it was to listen to their stories from college, training trips and surviving a twenty-one hour trip home. (Yes, that would be David!)

I am forever grateful for Tony and David but I must confess I still look at the front door hoping Joe will appear. I know he is with us in our hearts and memories but selfishly I want him across the table from me one more time. To give us just one more opportunity to tell him how much we love him, how proud we are of him and of course catch him up with all the news.

Christmas Cards

They are arriving. So many have written passages of we are thinking of you, we remember Joe, he is not forgotten. This warms our hearts because we think of him every day and to know your memories of him have not faded means so much to our family.

Thank you for the cards and your messages. Every one is so appreciated.

A Month of Sundays

Tony and David will be home on December 18th. The next Sunday is Christmas followed a week later with New's Year Day. Then on to the second anniversary of Joe's passing away and tucked in between on a Wednesday is Joe's birthday.

I don't know if this will ever happen again that every important date will fall on a Sunday, but I will always remember our last days with Joe and how much we miss him everyday.

Church

Church is a strong institution and has intimidated me the past four years. I have attended only two services since Joe's recurrence of cancer. First for a Baptism which by the way I cried through the entire service. Trapped in the middle of a pew with tears streaming down my face I made a promise not to return until I felt ready. The second was for a friend's Induction. I was stronger and only cried through the hymns.

Several weeks ago I returned to St. Peters in Charlotte where we attended before Joe was diagnosed. Proud of myself not a tear was shed. I was home free. Then came Communion and I was doomed. Gene, who officiated Joe's service, was serving. I stood in front of him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a strong, full of love hug. A welcome back, your are in my thoughts, you are loved hug. The tears started. And the tears appeared again the next week when Rodney who sings in the choir and took care of Joe broke out of line to sing the last two verses of the closing hymn with his arm around us.

Those who respected our distance always had us on their minds. The hug, the last two verses, the welcome back is just another step of us letting go of the our hopes of what will never be again.