Memories

Joan Didion's new book "Blue Skies" is about her daughter passing away. She wrote; "You have wonderful memories," people say to her, "as if memories were solace." Then going on to say "Memories are by definition of times past, things gone...Memories are what you no longer want to remember."

Yes, we have wonderful memories, but I wanted both the memories and the future. We were robbed of the most precious: the future.

The Season

We are entering the season of thanks and rejoice, but for our family it is the season of remembering Joe in his last months. By now he was on the upper level of our townhouse not able to navigate the stairs. He had his last pipe smoke and things were becoming a blur under the burden of intense pain medicines. He still had his sense of humor and he worked hard to find the right pen and journal for his brothers birthday. He held on to celebrate his birthday and join us for Christmas. But everything from this moment forward was painful for Joe.

I am and have been in awe of my son but never more than when I watched him face his own mortality. A mere nineteen years old and knowing your life was coming to an end is nothing short of brave. And for Tony and David to put aside their lives during these months is the definition of devotion.

The season of thanks and rejoice is one of celebrating our incredible family.

Chicago

A huge "mom" hug sufficient to embarrass Tony. Mission accomplished!

Those Phone Calls

The name comes up on my phone. It is not Tony, David or Mike. It is Frank, Josh, Steven, Michael, Chris or Matt. Names of Joe's friends. Checking in and checking up with each other. One is I will be in Charlotte can I stop by. One is about a letter of recommendation. One is I got a job. Some calls happen late at night and ends with a long dinner at our home. These conversations are our living connection with Joe.

I love phone calls from my family, but these rank a close second.

Wellness-less

Funny thing about focus, especially focus on a very sick child and then coping with their death, eventually you wake up and realize the size 6 jeans are stuffed in the back of your closet. What was normally easy becomes a strain on your joints, back and muscles. My wellness has suffered under the routine of sleeping in chairs, muscles so tight in my back there is chronic pain and the lack of sleep for too many years. My wellness is less than well.

So I am on the journey back to recapture my well being and live a better life. Dana will push me to become stronger and under the strong hands of Adrienne the 5 years of knots stock piled in my back will be relieved. After the first week I honestly thought two Aleve was the better answer. But I pushed on and will continue to do so and maybe, just maybe as my body gets stronger and my tension diminishes so will my heart ache.

Story Corps

For all the NPR followers you are familiar with Story Corps, which airs Friday mornings. Most of us catch it in the twilight of sleep, some of us are wide awake and listen during our morning routines. In most cases I listened to it just before rising for the last work day of the week.

This past summer Story Corps traveled to Levine Children's Hospital for a recording session and we were invited to put "down some tracks" about our family. We accepted and found it to be both rewarding and heart wrenching. But to our surprise several weeks ago our "administrator" blogged about us on the website. She wrote about parent's struggles as they watched their children suffer through painful illnesses, treatments and for many it was about the death of their child. She went on to reference one that touched her heart. It was about Joe and our family, the "infamous dinners" that only family and friends know of, and remembering our happiest moments. After an hour of tears, and laughter, we propped ourselves up for a picture, then a hug for each other and feeling good that our story will be archived in the Library of Congress.

Checking In

This weekend included a flurry of emails from David and phone calls with Tony. A bit of both were housekeeping conversations, but mostly it was conversations of events, diving, school, roommates, pier walks and general catching up on the news at home. They both sound happy and adjusting easily into college life. Tony's only complaint, and only slightly, are the eight dive practices a week, a bit different from high school.

All the news is good and I am feeling more relaxed.

Crossword Puzzles and Suduko

The funny thing about routines is that they conjure up memories. Like your breakfast routine growing up, we try to replicate them but it is never quite the same when on your own. Waffles and eggs always taste better from my mom than they do from me.

Which brings me to crossword puzzles and suduko which were always a part of our daily routines. I have been doing the crossword for years and Mike has been hooked on suduko and both became a part of our day when Joe was dying. Mike would work the suduko with Tony and David and when Joe returned home we started our day with my cup of coffee and the crossword puzzle. If it was a good day we would move on to the jumble. There has been an absence of crossword words and suduko numbers on that particular page for the past two years. Then last week I picked up the pencil and worked the crossword. And I cried.