A Chance

I took a chance last night and did a search for an old friend of mine, oh my gosh a friend from twenty years ago, on Linkedin. And funny thing happened in the cyber world she was out there and we talked tonight. We reconnected and remembered all of our great times in Minneapolis when we worked together. It was an hour long phone call of catching up and a walk down memory lane.

We all lose contact with our closest friends over the years. But when you have that phone call, email or letter and it takes you back to your memories with them and what connected you and what keeps you connected it is special. Friends from the past are such a wonderful gift.

The Perfect Weekend

Do you ever have a weekend that everything you do is just the right mix of social events and doing something rewarding?

Well, this was the perfect weekend. Friday night we spent time with friends at a neighborhood porch crawl on a roof top garden that offers the best views in town. Saturday afternoon we volunteered at Pinkberry, a hot new yogurt place in Phillips Place, to raise money for Levine Children's Hospital; which you all know is near and dear to our hearts. And then topped off the day dining alfresco with friends we have not seen in a long time in our courtyard. It was like being in the countryside of Italy and an evening of good food, good wine and good company. We ended the weekend having brunch with my parents, talking to the boys, making plans for parent's weekend and getting ready for the week ahead.

It was the best weekend Mike and I have had in a very long time. We laughed. Yes, we laughed and we didn't feel guilty. This is our giant step toward healing our broken hearts.

The Quiet House

The boys are back at McCallie and our house is very quiet. It always takes us a few days, OK maybe more like weeks, to recover from their absence. We wander aimlessly about our home wondering what to do and the void of not hearing their voices is strange. But then we adjust to them being gone and fall in to a routine of phone calls, text messages and emails. We keep up with the news on the McCallie web site and work the "mommy network". Our first visit will be in two weeks, earlier than normal, but as always we welcome the time to visit with Tony and David.

I am going to relish every day, every visit, every phone call of their last year at McCallie.

Ugh! Another Birthday

Tomorrow I will be 55. Oh good God this allows me the benefits of AARP car insurance, a discount at some movie theaters in Charlotte; maybe even enough savings to sneak an extra movie on the monthly budget; and the harsh reality that the skin on my elbows will never firm up again.

According to my family history I should have another 40 years to live. Again, good God that is daunting to think about so I leave that for another day. I wonder what changes I will witness in those years. I have already experienced the gut wrenching college application process as opposed to when we went. The bottom-line for us was if you had the money we will take you. But I have read watches are obsolete with the incoming freshman, email is to slow so texting is the way to go and before long everything you do will be on your smart phone, including credit card purchases.

My grandmother was born in 1900. In her lifetime she saw the invention of the car, the phone, computers and a man walk on the moon. I was born in 1955 and will witness our lives shrink to quick notes on a phone, the loss of a hand written note and nobody wearing a watch. Well, I am keeping my watch and my stationary. I find it much easier to check the time on my wrist rather than digging out my phone and there is nothing like the feeling of a handwritten note in your hand to comfort the soul.

Grown Up

David was home this weekend for tests on his eyes, which by the way everything is OK, but I could not get over how grown up he was. His steady gait, his strong straight back and the glow in his eyes. When did he grow up to be this confident, sure young man talking at dinner about what he wants to do and how he will accomplish every effort. And then how have Mike and I have adapted the ability to sit back and feel that every one of his dreams will be fulfilled.

I sat across the table from a young man, my son, who could talk about anything from Iraq to the latest new author, and wow; I am so incredibly fortunate. Just had to pinch myself.

Off To College

This fall would have been Joe's junior year at Penn and it is bittersweet to listen to other parents preparations for their sons and daughters to return to college for another year.

I remember Joe's freshman year at Penn. He was so ready to be away from the hospital, the chemo, the scans and the confinement of our home. He told us "just drop my stuff off in my room and we will say goodbye." It wasn't thirty minutes later than we had a call from him wanting to know our whereabouts. Then it was can we have lunch, and could you help run the cable in my room and then I would like a Penn hat. What was, as planned in his mind a short goodbye, turned into a long and lingering afternoon. The last image I had of Joe was sitting on a bench in front of his dorm. His head was bald, he was thin from eight months of chemo, but he was brave and proud that he achieved his goal of attending an Ivy League school.

No, we won't be getting Joe ready for college, not this year or any year forward. But we had the good fortune to deliver him to Penn his freshman year and run the cable line, have lunch with him and buy the Penn hat. Those memories are with me every fall.

Humor and Cancer

Today while ticking off a long list of errands we were listening to NPR's program "HumanKind." Ironically it was about engaging humor while having cancer. Most of the guests were comedians, all of which proclaimed their ability to laugh through the treatments essentially saved their lives.

I remember after the initial shock of Joe's diagnosis we resorted to our usual sarcastic humor. But that fades when you see your child deteriorate daily, when you have to sign a power of health attorney, when you realize the last chemotherapy protocol wiped out all memories of his childhood and then hear the words, falling like bricks on your ears, "there is nothing more we can do". Watching your son, who read such great books as The Count of Monte Cristo, Don Quixote and Nietzshe for fun, be diluted to "The Carrot War" and only enjoying the pictures; finding humor is an incredibly difficult stretch.

Joe never had the feeling of being punished by his cancer, but in his last months he often asked why me, to which we never had the answer. It was the luck of the draw, a crap shoot and a one in a million odds that this ugly bone cancer would finally claim his life.

Do I think our lack of humor at the end did not save him, no I believe our love for Joe helped him die with dignity.

It Must Be August

Our lower level room, which is a direct shot to the car, is filled with large bags of bedding, bins of school supplies and clothes bags of pants, ties and suit jackets. Yes, it must be August and time for Tony and David to return to McCallie

They are driving themselves back to Chattanooga, a senior year tradition in our family. They will attend a week of RA training and then be totally immersed into their senior year. This year will fly by and I know our phone conversations will be limited since the demands on their time will be more than in the past.

This is our transition to college, and no where similar to boarding school where you are still in contact with teachers, dorm heads and advisors. They will slowly move towards more independence and eventually make the break to be on their own.

It is great time for a parent to see your children take one more step to growing up and growing into themselves.

Are You Kidding?

What are the chances of driving from Charlotte to Connecticut to Providence to Boston and back again you would experience eight traffic jams? Well, that was our road trip and every two hours we were at a dead stop. Seven of them were on our way up and the last was in the wee hours of the morning on the return in the middle of no where. It was a challenge, but I have to admit with all of the "everything that could go wrong did" it was worth every minute. David realized Brown was a place for him; Tony experienced the maybe of Tufts. Each added them to the top of their lists while coffee, GPS and two more campus visits are now found on mine.

College visits and traveling challenges aside, it was the perfect trip. Having your teenage children trapped in a confined space often spawns conversation, especially in the dark when they know you can't see their faces and all positions are facing forward. This was their trip to decide, narrow down, take the next step; my part was to listen in amazement of how they have grown up.

I know we all say where did the time go, how can it be we are at this point, when they are taking flight to make their own way. Ironically, on this long and arduous trip I never asked myself that question. I sat quietly, reminiscing times we spent together and looking forward to many more years with Tony and David. I can't wait to see what they will become.

Surprise Another Road Trip

Within hours we have switched our attention from raising money for bone cancer research to a college road trip. Bright, well not so much bright, but most certainly early in the morning Tony, David and I will be heading to the Northeast to visit Tufts and Brown.

Bridging the gap of Joe, who is gone, and Tony and David, who are still with us, is tenuous. It is a tightrope we tread everyday, not too much this way, a bit more that way; a constant balancing act.

So we honored Joe these past two nights, and now it is Tony and David's turn and their road to college.

Joedance Film Festival 2010

Last night marked the beginning of the Joedance Film Festival 2010 to raise money for Rare and Complex Cancer Research at Levine Children's Hospital, where Joe received all of his care. It was night of family and friends gathered in our courtyard to watch "An Education". The weather held up until show time and then it came down in buckets. We rescued the tables, food and chairs and ran for cover. Our neighbors Dave and Deb graciously opened their home and we gathered there to watch the first of what we hope to be many years of films at Joedance.

Later that night I opened the unassuming brown paper covered box set out for donations that Whitney made and sent with her husband Cam; who by the way helped Mike cook the hot dogs; and found the first checks written for Joedance. Each one given with love and hopefully will help another child be one step closer to a cure. We cannot bring Joe back but we can honor his devotion to raising money for bone cancer research which is horribly under funded. Thank you to everyone who has supported our efforts to carry on his mission.

Tonight the skies are Carolina blue and no rain within miles. We will cook hot dogs, eat popcorn and watch "Big Night".

What A Day

Grief counseling, the dentist and clothes shopping with two 17 year old boys in one day: Torture! Seeing Inception with my family: Truly wonderful!

And The Third Goodbye

Our family has nearly become professional at "spreading ashes". Anyone who knew Joe would not be surprised that he had precise requests of where and how his ashes would be spread. His first was for some to be kept with us in our home so, as he said it, "I can always be close to you". Then there were three other locations dear to his heart: McCallie, Holden Beach, where we spent a week every summer, and the last was Charleston; the place where he spent time with his friends.

So this past Sunday, in Charleston, I stood in Josh's kitchen after cooking four pounds of spaghetti, roasting two chickens and making a huge salad vividly remembering the first time I ever cooked for his friends. It was after a swim meet when we were living in Knoxville. They came to our house and devoured the food, just as they did Sunday night. Each of them started telling stories of when they had their first "Restaino'' dinner and the flood of happy memories came back. There were so many over the past years and we were thrilled to cook every one of them.

So I leaned on the counter donned in the yellow apron Joe gave me for Christmas and felt peace.