Do Over's

Mike and I talk about do over's, what we would have changed while making our decisions in our younger years. Would we have pursued a life less complicated than the corporate world; would we have a farm and live off the land or dedicate our lives to service projects? The funny thing is you can't go back only forward, and in the twilight of our working lives we have the ability to revisit our dreams of yesteryear. Who knows where those dreams will take us.

Our sons are never a part of our do over's conversations. I, nor Mike would have a "do over" with them. They have been our pride and joy, our heartache, our touchstones, our lives.

Opportunity

Special opportunities come our way sparingly. When they are presented you feel it in your gut, the need to grasp and hold on, some of the others question your judgement. But tonight as I write this blog David took hold and owned an opportunity. His Writing Center teacher at McCallie is doing a reading from her published book and wanted one of the students to introduce her. David, my behind the scenes child stepped forward, did a ninja hold on any other person that volunteered, and fought for the opportunity. Tonight he introduced Erin Tocknell, the author of "Confederate Streets". By the way you should pick it up it's a good read.

Grateful

Yes, grateful is what I feel even after so much heartache. I look at Tony and David and am amazed how they rose above the tragedy of loosing Joe. The aftermath could have gone so many different directions but it did not. This small piece of our recovery has been a blessing.

In four months Tony and David will head off to a college where Joe can be a part of their history or not, they will be finally in control of the stream of information. They can choose to share or choose not to share. They can be themselves and explore their opportunities, the love of their studies and the coming of age in the college environment.

Yes, I am grateful and count my blessings every day.

Coming to the End

A friend emailed today inquiring randomly "can we have a do over, have their high school years back, have Joe back?" I think we all want that in some form or another as we replay our histories. The inevitable would of's, could of's, should of's replays in our brains.

I am of the belief things happen for a reason. Sometimes you don't like the outcome, but it is placed at your feet and is the underpinnings of your next decision. It may point you in a direction you would have never given less than fleeting moment of thought or it may change your life. Whatever the circumstances every milestone in our lives in turn points us to new and different decisions.

It is Business

The business of being accepted to college is one thing, the business of navigating financial aid requires an accountant's degree. I have filled out more financial aid forms than I want to talk about, spent hours on the phone with colleges, and now have done appeals, reactions and I am close to begging on my knees for help.

The sad and sorry tale of this is black and white. If you are rich any school is no problem. If you are poor again no school is a problem. But if you are stuck in the so called "middle class" you better anti up, and big time. And it is breaking our backs. So please all that us middle classer's want, long for, hope for, is a break for our children that have worked so hard.

Let Go, Say Goodbye

The fine line of letting go and saying goodbye until the next time is always blurred. We let go in a sense when our boys went to McCallie and then said goodbye in the most final way with Joe. But I hold on to Tony and David, probably to the point of uneasiness, but they always humor my tight grip. Maybe it is my sense of losing them to some unforeseen tragedy is always in the back of my mind. What is not to blame since we have buried two children.

A year and half after losing Joe I try hard not to lose Tony and David. That means letting go and saying goodbye until the next time, taking a step or two back that eventually brings them closer to us. What they don't know is that everyday I want to hug them forever.

There is a Reason

Our children's most important decisions of their lives have taken a year. Yes, it is the college decision. Four months ago Tony stood boldly in front of us saying he would take on one hundred thousand dollars in loans to go to his first choice, which now ironically is now at the bottom of his list. David quietly suffered waiting for his decisions from his top choices while putting himself on the line for four reach schools. It is a time of finding their worth, what and how they will contribute, where they will land in the new global world.

The reason it takes a year is because most of the serious decisions take that long.