Julie

There she was walking in Freedom Park taking pictures of the fall leaves.  My walking buddy, my touchstone, my friend.

Today was pleasant  surprise, one I will remember for a long time. A walk with a friend unplanned made my day.  So grateful we met by chance today at Freedom Park.

Hopebuilders 5k

I ran in memory of Joe and tears were rolling down my cheeks.  Dammit when will I run this 5K and not cry?   I suspect it will be a long time.

The Brick In My Pocket

I watched Rabbit Hole last week.  God only knows why I did since it would seem reasonable to steer away from such movies or books. As the movie unfolded the mirror of our grief was playing out on my 27 inch screen.  The weird things you do, the isolation and the private sorrow we take to our rooms, our cars and the corners of the house.

Often the question begs how to cope, does it get better, how do you go on.  One scene in the movie, and I am grateful for the eloquent words, is in the basement after their son's room has been cleaned out, piled neatly in plastic bins has stuck with me and explaining the range of emotions even three years later.  To paraphrase: "It is like a brick in your pocket.  Sometimes you forget it is there until one day you reach in your pocket and you remember."

I go about my day, year after year, and then for some reason I reach in my pocket and find that brick.  And I remember.  One time it will be with tears or another with a smile or an outright laugh.  But the brick is always there and I carry it everyday.

Weddings

We are back on the wedding circuit now that our friends daughters and sons are at the marrying age.  Each one is more lovely than the next and full of joy as the couple start their journey together.  They are young, full of hope for the future, clearly totally in love and in some cases add a bit of humor to an important ceremony.

But there it is, just about the time the groom walks in, that lump in my throat, those tears waiting to escape and my shaky hands.  Looking down and taking a deep breath is my defense against what has been dashed away from my life.  Don't take me wrong I am genuinely happy for every couple.  They have found their soul mate.  But Joe never had that chance.  He was cheated, we were cheated.  I will never know who he would have chosen or vice versa.  I will never see his family.  I will never dance at his wedding.