The Adventures of Tony

I am not sure if many of you know that Tony was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes four weeks before Joe was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. On the same day Tony received his insulin pump Joe had his chemo port inserted. It was a wild time for us and our introduction to Carolina Medical Center, which at the onset we had no idea this would be our home away from home.

So with that background, we fast forward to this evening when I received a call from Tony that his site had "popped" out during dive practice. Not a big deal at McCallie since he is just a few steps away from his dorm and a new site. But this time he was several miles way, but he drove slowly, we kept in touch by phone and his sites and insulin were on the kitchen counter when he arrived, along with a large glass of water. Food was ready and prepared and in a short time he was normal. He was home safe.

What to do with this....

Thirty-three years is a long time together, but it seems even longer when you realize how much you have accumulated. We have a house and a storage unit full of possessions. Some are very special, but there are other items we have no idea why we kept them. So today our one and only goal was to sift through items in storage. What we thought would take a mere two hours turned into a long day of memories and so often "what were we thinking when we purchased that". I won't embarrass myself by detailing those items.

But I will tell you that most of what we uncovered were boxes and boxes of photographs. Now those were worth saving.

Free Falling

I am without a parachute, free falling and screaming into a dark abyss, awakening in a sweat that chills me to the bone. It is a crash day, a recurring cruel joke played on me. I awake in the morning ready to go, then there is the cold smack to my face reminding me of what has passed, what is gone, what will never be again. I am frozen and then it starts: my heart racing, the pain in my shoulders as they take the familiar tight position and color drains from the world, leaving me in the coldness of black and white. I breathe (I have been told that helps) or I cry, and sometimes I do both. So I move forward, with my broken heart and a heaviness in my gait.

Did We Do Right

Boys don't talk much. They show emotions in different ways, mostly a quiet way. Saying something quickly, or writing a note to be found later long after they are gone, and I have yet to encounter lengthy emotional conversations. Well, at least with my sons.

But today I was given the incredible gift of a peek inside of what is like to lose a brother, a dearly loved brother, in a most unusual form: a college essay. From the first sentence to the closing paragraph I relived these past years, not from a prospective as a mom, but one of a brother. Tony and David grew up in warp speed over these past five years. I don't have to ask the question if they are different now than nearly five years ago; I see it in their eyes, their conversations skirting around our collective hurt and loss, and the polite smiles on their faces.

I have asked myself repeatedly was it right for us to bring Tony and David into every twist and turn with Joe? Some days I stand firm with our decision, and other days I waiver. But what I do know, without question, is I felt every painful memory along with Joe's brother.

Traveling

This goes back a bit to when David and I started out to Athens, Greece. We sat in airports, thanks to free tickets, for over 13 hours. I eventually resorted to people watching out of shear boredom. Yes, the outfits both male and female, changed drastically from Charlotte to New York to Heathrow to Athens. Just a word of advice...ditch the car, find a bike or walk because everything skinny will be hitting our shores very soon.

But even though the fashion scene was entertaining what was not entertaining was witnessing "cell phone" relationships. I know this sounds funny but I actually saw people caress their phones, holding on to them for dear life. I saw one person look at her phone when the ticket agent asked her a question, as if the small black screen would give her the answer. Then there are the glancers, you know the ones who look every several seconds for the text, tweet, facebook post or email. Then I panicked. I was holding my phone in my hand as if it held all the answers to my questions. I slipped into my backpack since I don't want to hug a phone. I want to hug my family.

Jolted Back to Reality

First off it is a very bad idea to schedule a dentist appointment the day after you return from a great trip. That one event started the ball rolling and my jolt back to reality. Ironically just because you are out of the country doesn't give a free pass on bills, laundry, work or grocery shopping. I lived in a cocoon for nearly three weeks and forgot the drudgery of it all. OK, I admit I was in heaven.

So these past days I have pushed my reluctant butt through my chores with one astonishing realization. How can I have this much laundry since we each traveled with small backpacks and wore the same thing practically every day? So my laundry cloning theory is no longer a theory! It happens quietly in the dead of night in the dark corners of the dirty clothes basket. And the evil sock stealer is not in our imaginations and has made permanent residence in the dryer.

Home Again

I signed out on June 16th and 20 days later I am home again, feeling the comfort of my bed and the familiar surroundings of home. This journey is hard to explain since we were retracing Joe's trip. Emotions ran from total elation to tears, and when we were lost trying to find places Joe had been I always felt a gentle nudge on my shoulder pushing us in the right direction.

Between Joe's journal entries and a backpack full of receipts our itinerary was set and easy to follow. We brought home nothing more than hundreds of pictures and incredible memories, hopefully the combination will bring us closer to healing.