Bittersweet

David has returned from St. Andrew's Scotland full of stories, many of which he wrote and shared with us. Tony was down in the dumps since he has done nothing but move furniture for the past three days. The sweet of the bittersweet is the boys are back under our roof again and dinner was around our new table.

The bitter is Sunday. We will climb in the car and head to Charleston to spread the last of Joe's ashes. Many of his friends will be there and we will spread them, per Joe's request, at dawn at the Battery. Once again these McCallie Men have stepped up to the plate and given of themselves even when it was not convenient. That is the sweet of bittersweet.

So I will cook Joe's favorite meal Sunday night, which happens to be spaghetti, at Josh's house. And we will remember Joe.

The Little Gestures

Today we spent most of our day "changing things up" in our home to make us feel more comfortable, or maybe it is a way to take our away our pain. But never-the-less it was a day of moving furniture and, in the back of our minds, a day of making sure David arrives home safely from Scotland. We were exhausted from moving furniture up and down three flights of stairs.

And then the gesture of kindness came across in an email. A neighbor had left over food from a party they had the night before and extended an invitation for dinner. Tony was off to a movie with his friends and we had no energy to cook. So the invitation was a life saver.

Those kind and, yes, even random gestures are so welcomed and appreciated.

The Difficult Ways to Give Back

Today I sat on a panel of parents talking to nurses and social workers at Levine Children's Hospital to discuss transitions, mostly meaning from doctor's offices to the hospital, or from unit to unit within the hospital, or from surgery to the floor. We each had to tell our story with positive and negative experiences. I sat on a panel with two other mothers, their stories were ones of recovery, mine was not. My story was about a death after so many recurrences of cancer. I felt the overwhelming jealousy of how fortunate they were to have their child survive. I asked, why was I here?

Eventually I knew my position, I knew my purpose. I was the voice of teenage cancer patients. I was their advocate and could speak from experience. I had the perfect platform to make a difference. My voice stated meek and crackling but soon sounded strong as I felt the passion of wanting to give back. As difficult as it was it was perfect.

Decisions and What We Do

This weekend was all about decisions. After emptying the storage unit we had a late dinner with Tony and moved into a conversation of what has influenced our decisions during our lives. Mike I talked about our choice of college, moving for jobs, buying and selling homes. Tony talked about his search for a boarding school, how he was set on a school in the Northeast, but stepped back with the news of Joe not responding to his chemotherapy. He paused, and thought if I have a chance to go to McCallie and be with my brother I will.

So I don't know how we have been so fortunate to have three sons, who understood the meaning of making a decision, without talking, but knowing this is what you do to be there to support each other.

I am sure with other circumstances decisions would be different. You never know. But this is how is worked for our family, and we have felt the incredible strong support from every one that has crossed our path. Yes, decisions made in the moment can be powerful. As were Tony and David's.

His Buttons Would Be Bursting

There is nothing like a big brother. One that is so proud of his younger brothers, who took the time and energy to make sure they got it right, whether it be their academics or their sport, or maybe just living in the world. That was Joe from the time Tony and David were born. He took them under his wing and nurtured them with humor and loving care. Yes, there is nothing like a big bother.

And now we are on the road to college for the twins. One will most likely find a college that has the perfect curriculum and a place to dive, the other may attend a college overseas, pursuing his love for writing. Both will follow their passions and find their place. And the combination of us being willing to let them go, and with the past guidance of Joe,Tony and David will find their way with a comfortable feeling to achieve accomplishments way beyond their dreams. This is a wonderful, exciting time for Tony and David and Joe's buttons would be bursting with pride.